![]() ![]() He, in turn, feels bad for making her cry, immediately backs off from the topic, and turns his attention instead to her tears. Here’s an example commonly seen in couples therapy: A husband brings up a topic his wife doesn’t want to discuss, and she begins to cry. It’s also about how you respond to his refusal to have them. It’s not just how he responds to you bringing up these conversations. After all, a conversation ends only if you let it end. Essentially, stonewalling shuts down a conversation.īut even though the problem seems to lie with the person who stonewalls, the other partner plays a role, too. A person might avoid a topic by being silent, changing the subject, ignoring his partner by scrolling through his phone instead of listening, or simply leaving the room. It’s a way of checking out of the conversation. What your partner is doing is called stonewalling. Communication and negotiation are vital to any healthy relationship, so even more important than the specific “serious” topics you hope to talk about is the issue of why you’re both struggling to have these discussions. I can see why you’re concerned about this pattern between you and your partner. How can I convince him that he (or we) needs to see somebody about this without that conversation itself producing a meltdown? I feel like he has some issues with anxiety and needs to talk to a professional. I mostly just try to avoid them, but inevitably something comes up that forces the point, or I can’t stand it anymore and I need to talk to him. I don’t really want kids, so for the most part, we can get along fine without these topics being broached on a day-to-day basis. I am the primary breadwinner and we have enough money to pay the bills. No matter what I do, it always ends the same way. I’ve never actually given him an ultimatum, but I have told him that if he doesn’t try to do something about his inability to talk about these bigger things, I’m going to be reduced to issuing an ultimatum eventually. Trying to approach it like a negotiation. I’ve tried broaching these topics in a variety of ways. He’ll then need to detox for hours by being alone before he’s good to talk about anything again, even minor things like what’s for dinner.īy “serious” things I mean long-term financial planning, whether he wants kids, his plans related to school and career, what would happen if one of us dies. If I ever bring up a “serious” topic, he won’t just resist talking about it, but have something bordering on a panic attack before shutting down completely. ![]() I have an ongoing issue with my partner of seven years. Have a question? Email her at want to miss a single column? Sign up to get "Dear Therapist" in your inbox. Editor’s Note: On the last Monday of each month, Lori Gottlieb answers a reader's question about a problem, big or small.
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